Funny Meditation

Funny Guided Meditation

“You know what I am good at? Freaking the f*ck out about every little stressful thing life throws my way. Grab yourself a bottle of wine and place it nearby, so if it doesn’t work, you have a back-up plan.
You can’t control all the crazy shit that’s going on in the world right now, but you can control your own breath [that sounded profound AF!].
Start to relax everything in your body, starting at the top of your head where your overpriced highlights are . . . Take a deep breath and set your intention, then say it out loud: I want to call my cousin later and tell her to stop posting those hoe-ass Instagram photos

Meditation is any act of quieting the mind, bringing stillness to the body, and focusing on the breath to become fully present. There are many forms of meditation, including the popular form of guided meditation.

Interested in diving deeper into guided meditation? Try this Guided Mindfulness Meditation For a Calm and Peaceful Mind

Guided meditation is a great way to be guided along your meditative state to help you reach a deeper sense of presence and stillness. And while any form of meditation is incredibly beneficial to mind and body, it’s important to not take meditation so seriously.

Don’t judge yourself or get frustrated if you don’t maintain a quiet mind, or if your mind starts to wander. Sometimes laughter is the best medicine, and it’s a great reminder to not take yourself so seriously. Give yourself credit for showing up! The practice will build over time.

When you’re ready to laugh, smile, and take yourself – and your meditation practice – a little less seriously, start with this funny guided meditation.

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Many people see meditation as a really serious practice and, in a lot of ways, it is.  Searching for inner peace and enlightenment is no joke huh?  That’s a little mindfulness pun for you. But in all seriousness (see what I did there?) the wisest mindfulness teachers always have a good sense of humor about meditation.  Part of meditation is learning to let go and not take yourself too seriously.  Pema Chodron, one of meditation’s wisest and most respected teachers, once said “Maybe the most important teaching is to lighten up and relax”.  On that note, here are 12 funny meditation quotes that will make you smile, but also teach you a little bit more about mindfulness.

There’s a ton of wisdom packed into these 12 funny little quotes.  Who ever said that wisdom can’t be paired with humor?  In fact, sometimes humor can be our best teacher.  So relax, let go, and enjoy these 12 funny mindfulness quotes.  Just remember to be present while you’re reading this list and you’ll already be doing it right.  Have fun!

1) “Meditation is the ultimate mobile device; you can use it anywhere, anytime, unobtrusively.” – Sharon Salzberg

In the day and age of smartphones, this is a very relevant quote with a good sense of meditation humor.  While it’s sort of silly to think of meditation as “the ultimate mobile device”, this funny mindfulness quote actually speaks the truth.  The great thing about meditation is that you really can take it anywhere and it doesn’t bother other people (unlike those annoying smartphones 😉)  No one will even notice it– only you will know if you’re being present and aware.

2) “It is very rare to find a human being today. They are always going somewhere, hardly ever being here.  That is why I call them ‘human goings’.” – Ajahn Brahm 

This is a great mindfulness pun!  Ajahn Brahm is a British-Australian Buddhist monk known for his warmth and amazing sense of humor (check out his hilarious book Don’t Worry, Be Grumpy: Inspiring Stories for Making the Most of Each Moment) Nowadays, it really is rare to find a human just BEING present instead of rushing off to do something.  Let this wise and funny meditation quote remind you that sometimes just “being” is the best thing you can be doing.

3) “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito” – The Dalai Lama

This is great meditation humor from the Dalai Lama himself.  If something as small as a mosquito can make such a difference with a few tiny bites, imagine what you can do if you put your mind to it!  I also like to think of it in terms of my meditation practice– a little bit of meditation each day goes a long, long way.

4) “You’ve mastered the seflie.  Now master thy self.” – Unknown

I saw this funny mindfulness quote on Instagram and thought it was hilarious!  Similar to the Sharon Salzberg quote (#1 on the list), this quote is not only funny but also super relevant to today’s culture of smartphones and selfies.  It’s a fun mindfulness pun too– selfie… thy self… get it? This is a fun one for anytime you need a little reminder to put down the screens and look inward.

5) “Change is inevitable– except from a vending machine.” – Robert C. Gallagher

This funny meditation quote is one of the few on the list that’s really laugh out loud funny.  It’s almost written like a great one-liner joke.  Despite the mindfulness humor, this is a great quote to remind us that things are always changing.  We don’t need to get attached or involved– just observe and be present.  Change is a natural part of life and when we meditate we become more accepting of that.

6) “To earn the trust of your meditation, you have to visit it everyday.  It’s like having a puppy.”- Chelsea Riche

If you’ve read A Complete Beginner’s Guide to Meditation, you know that consistency is the most important part of any meditation practice.  It’s better to meditate for just 10 minutes everyday than to meditate for 2 hours once a week.  This funny meditation quote reminds you to “visit” your meditation everyday to cultivate mindfulness on a regular basis.

7) “All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.” – Blaise Pascal

This quote is less “ha ha” funny and more interesting funny.  It just makes you think if everybody sat quietly in a room by themselves each day, would the problems of war, famine, and violence really be solved?  Meditate on that question sometime and see what answer comes up.

8) “You should sit in meditation for 20 minutes a day, unless you’re too busy, then you should sit for an hour.” – Zen Proverb

This is a funny mindfulness quote about the importance of taking the time to meditate in our busy lives.  The interesting part is that this is an OLD Zen Proverb dating back to way before we had 80 hour work weeks or laptop computers.  If busy people needed to meditate back then, they certainly need it now!

9) “It’s like having a charger for your whole body and mind. That’s what meditation is!”- Jerry Seinfeld

This funny meditation quote from Jerry Seinfeld is gem!  When I read it, I envision a little cartoon monk with electricity all around his body shocking him about a foot in the air toward “enlightenment”.  Anybody else see that or that just me? Either way, this quote is great meditation humor!

10) “If it weren’t for my mind, my meditation would be excellent” – Pema Chodron

I’m a huge fan of Pema Chodron because she always brings a light touch and sense of humor to meditation.  This funny mindfulness quote is a great example.  While it does have a good dose of meditation humor, it’s also very relatable.  How many times have you thought, “my meditation would have been great today, if my mind would just shut up!”  This quote is a humorous and gentle reminder that your mind wandering is a natural part of meditation– there’s no such thing as completely clearing your mind of thoughts.  Meditation is about observing the mind without judgment or attachment and that includes the days that our minds are super busy. If you love this quote, check out one of my all-time favorite mindfulness books, The Pocket Pema Chodron .

11) “Meditation: Because some answers can only be found on the inner net.” – Shira Tamir

Another hilarious mindfulness pun that highlights the dichotomy between our digital culture and inner peace.  I love this clever and funny meditation quote because it’s so true!  With every encyclopedia and dictionary just a Google search away, it’s important to remember that the most significant answers can only be found within.

12) “So what is a good meditator? The one who meditates.”- Allan Lokos

wanted to end this list with a quote that’s only slightly humorous but filled with A LOT of wisdom.  Whenever you feel like you’re not meditating “well enough” or “often enough”, just remember that you took time out of your day to meditate and that’s enough.  There’s no need to judge your meditation practice– just let it be and you’ll feel a lot more at peace.

That’s it!  I hope these 12 funny meditation quotes made you laugh, while also teaching you a little more about mindfulness.  Mindfulness is about letting go of judgements and attachments, so you can simply enjoy the ride.  What better way to do that than with some meditation humor from these 12 amazing teachers?

For those constantly looking for the antidote for life’s daily stresses and worries, meditation can have an enormous impact on the way you view the world — and it’s not just hippie bullsh*t. Study after study has shown a correlation between meditation and reduction of gray matter in the amygdala, the brain region connected to anxiety and emotional regulation. It’s been proven to lengthen your attention span, lessen stress levels, and decrease insomnia by 42 percent. And with just two months of a consistent practice, meditation literally changes your brain chemistry, making you more resilient when difficult situations arise.

With all that said, it can be really f*cking hard to sit still for 10 minutes, and that’s where this hilarious and surprisingly calming meditation video from Jason Headley comes in handy. If guided meditations have been too strange, far-out, or boring for you in the past, prepare to breathe in the good sh*t and exhale the bad sh*t with this hysterical NSFW-language-filled video.

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